This memoir follows Leah Lax, a Jewish woman who grew up in a Reform community in Texas who was drawn into the Chabad Lubavitch movement as a young woman and decades later found herself leaving the movement. Lax’s childhood left her searching for intimacy, belonging, and purpose. Both her parents experienced mental illness, with her mom showing several signs of depression and her father having gone through treatments that left him empty and vacant. She hints early on in the novel towards her initial attraction towards women, long before she ever recognized it. In high school, she learned about the Chabad Lubavitch movement and had her first experiences with it, becoming close with a local Hasidic family and attending a couple programs where she felt drawn in by this world of structure, this world which promised love from the community, from the family, and from God, so long as you follow the rules. College brought her further away from her family and closer to religious life, where an arranged marriage sealed her into the Orthodox lifestyle. As she searches for spiritual fulfilment through the words of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, through her relationship with her husband, through raising her children, Lax remains unfulfilled. She begins to discover herself through discussions with her friends and sister, through the act of writing, and through the ritual of mikvah. This journey of self-discovery leads her to identify as a lesbian and leave her husband, leaving the Chabad movement as well. One key idea that consistently resurfaces is the ritual act of bathing in the mikvah. She discusses the spiritual and emotional meaning of this for her, the acknowledgement of sexuality that goes along with it, and how the act changed for her throughout her life.
Writing and other content
